(no subject)
Sorry, it’s been a little. I can only update at my mom’s house. That’s when I’m not sleeping too late or working. I did ask my boss to take a day away, because It was becoming too much. I’m not sure where I’m standing right now. Just that I am somehow.

I said goodbye to Abelia. She can be my biggest trigger, but her not being here could too. Oh well, maybe alone is better. That is less people to disappoint.

As for my back, it’s the same. I am now smoking a bit of pot to take the edge of. All have risks. I guess I’m just weighing which ones are better for me. Well, For now. I sold my pills. Only way I know how to get rid of them and not care. I’m using money as an incentive. That will last for today anyway.

I do plan to hit a meeting tonight. Maybe, I’ll hear something I need to hear. They say keep coming back.
Sorry, for the short update. I’m working on a routine, but you know addicts and routine.


(no subject)
Sorry it’s been a bit. I have my ups and downs. I haven’t been very motivated as of late. Two reasons why: My back and my stress level.
My back is where the pills started. I have a herniated disc and pinched nerve. Sometimes, it goes away. However, in my case it will never go away fully. I have degenerate disc disease, which means my back is aging faster than the rest of me. I can count on getting more in the future as well. I love to play soccer. Well, I did. It happen when I was playing for a junior college I went to. I haven’t been able to really play since. I work out to make myself feel better, but as of late that has been out.
Sometimes, my disc isn’t that bad. Then, I aggravate it. I keep me up all night. It hurts to do much of anything. Working two jobs doesn’t help either, but I have no choice but to keep going. The searing pain in my spine and legs is horrible. The problem: They always want to give me narcotics. (Vics, Percocet, Valium, ect). It didn’t take long before I had a habit and that was 5 years ago.
My back has been hurting like it did when it first happen at nineteen. It got so bad I had to make a trip to the hospital after work one night. Since I no longer search the streets for pills, I try to get a steroid shot to make it better. However, this time they over looked me being flagged to offer me Percocet. Then, I was offered Valium. I tried to turn it down at first, but the doctor told me it was the only way I’m going to get rid of the pain. They asked me if there was anyone who could monitor how much I’m taking. I said my mom. But, she won’t. I’m good at getting them anyway. I’m a bit fucked on staying clean and that’s all on me.
My stress is terrible. I have so much to pay. I work two jobs that, right now, are not giving me enough. I work almost 40 hours at burger king and then a few days a week at the restaurant. I don’t even know what a day off is. All my money goes to rent and fines. That’s a lie. Sometimes, I spend money at the bar. Also, Three dollar cans of beer a night and a pack of smokes.
I have three DUI’s. In my worst I seem to have a bad habit of crashing cars mad. I’m not proud of it. And, the last one I tried to kill myself. I must have a guardian angel. I should have died a few times. I even overdosed last October. My rock bottom always comes. I’m scared if I keep going I’ll find that hard dirt bottom of the well again.
Abelia has been talking to me a lot more. I told her about it and she asked when the last time I went to a meeting was. Then, suggested I go back to one. She says she believes in me. The truth is I need to believe in me. Well, I have work.


Sober Time
The truth is I need to be sober. I'm sick of letting myself and the world down. However, I know I can't make the promise anymore. I don't want to be like, day one- day two- day three. It just kills me when I start over. Only thing I can say is for today- I got it. Maybe, I will tomorrow too. I feel good today and have since I started my meds. I just hope it stays, which it never does. When I dwell two much on sober/clean time- I fail in the end. The point is though. It's never the end. This is a fight. It’s a battle to keep ourselves alive. At 25 years old- it's time to face life. It’s time to see what I'm made of and who I am. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, this time I'll do it.
Only problem I see right now is Kate and my sister drinking around me at home. I’ll figure it out.


(no subject)
I have work in about 50 mins. so, this will be quick. I have been taking my meds again, which is why my mood has been better. The problem with meds is the side effects. I gain wieght, shake,tired, and all of a sudden it's been making me sick. I started taking them at night. I'm hoping it helps. I don't have insurance to keep switching meds and doing med checks.
On a bright note. I stayed sober last night:) I didn't even think much about it. Today, I feel good right now too. I spent the day with my mom and my niece. I bought my godson his bday present. Then, we had dinner. Now, I'm going to head to work. I work till 12. I bought some tea to help me sleep. My meds will do the rest. One day at a time.


Meeting's and love
I went to a meeting yesterday. It was my first one in weeks. They always act like I never left. Only, seem more concerned when they ask how I’ve been. It’s as if they know I’ve been off using and drinking myself to death. I picked AA; I have for about 6 months. I have my reasons. The two I’ll share now is: AA helped me with my higher power and is more helpful with their advice. NA felt like more of a vent session and isn’t as strong here. That isn’t everywhere. I feel it’s important to find what works for you. And, sometimes it’s nice to talk about drugs openly. You can’t in AA.
Speaking of drugs, At least this time the withdrawal was nothing compared to the first time. I just felt like I had the sinus infection from hell and slept more than normal. The first time I was throwing up for days. Shaking and sweating myself to sleep every day. You were lucky if I even got out of bed. I didn’t go to rehab. My life was a mess, still is in ways, and I just woke up one day and wanted to fix it. However, it wasn’t my first try at recovery or my last.
My first time, was all because of Abelia. That’s what we will call her for now. It lasted 10 days. She blew in my life with the force of a tornado. She was the first person to make me see I am better than my addiction. She made me feel my heart for the first time in a while. She made me want to be better than I have been. She, also, is my biggest trigger. I let myself care a bit too much. Do I regret it? No, and I still let her back in my life on some level. It’s not as bad as it use to be. Plus, I am now with someone else. I will call her Kate.
Kate always stays and loves me to pieces. I have put her through a lot and would love to fix it. I try hard to be better and she swears I am better. I know I’ve become better than I was even a year ago. However, I have a long way to go. And, to be honest, she deserves much better. And, just like Abelia, She triggers me more than most. Love in early recovery is dangerous. Yet, I've been in early recovery it seems forever. At times, I think alone is better.

The start of an idea.
All I have every wanted to do is write. When things got bad as a child, I would just imagine I was in a whole new world. It was always better then where I was at the time. I was never especially happy, even as a child. I’m not even sure why. It could be my bipolar disorder or my mother’s drug use while she was pregnant, or maybe it’s just how I was born. I did have my moments, of course, where I was happy. But, a wise person once told me- Happiness comes in moments and moments are fleeting.

So, here I am on this never-ending quest for happiness. We all are on the same pursuit on some level looking for the quickest way to feel good. My hunt leads me to drugs too often. Stupid I know, but at one point that was my quickest way to heaven. But, now, at times it’s my quickest way to hell too.

This journal is a step I’m taking to help me come to terms with the past and move forward. Who knows, Maybe, I’ll help someone else out there in the process. I mean I could use the karma these days. I warn you, I have my good and bad days. Someday, this journal won’t be a pretty thing to read. However, I will tell my anonymous truth.

Here is my start. I have wrote these recovery lists many times and I have still used. I can’t even promise to be totally clean, yet. I’m just going to leave my opiate love/hate relationship alone. I’m going to try a stepping process, because I know me. I have tried to just quit before and I never do.
This time, I want to try something different. Later, I will go into NA/AA process that I have tried. It never works for me, at least not alone. I have a million reasons why and they all lead back to me. Recovery, sometimes, has to be as selfish as the addiction itself. So, here is my selfish attempt.

1) Routine. The more I have one, the better I am at not using.
2) Gym. Helps myself esteem and with other issues I’m aware of.
3) Work. Two jobs to help pay off my fines. Try hard to keep them and fix things.
4) Writing my feelings. I hate feelings. But, keeping them in never works either.
5) Honesty- because I never really have been. Hence, this journal.
6) Meetings when it’s really hard to breathe without using.
Let’s try this again. Piece out.


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