- The start of an idea.
- September 14th, 2013
All I have every wanted to do is write. When things got bad as a child, I would just imagine I was in a whole new world. It was always better then where I was at the time. I was never especially happy, even as a child. I’m not even sure why. It could be my bipolar disorder or my mother’s drug use while she was pregnant, or maybe it’s just how I was born. I did have my moments, of course, where I was happy. But, a wise person once told me- Happiness comes in moments and moments are fleeting.
So, here I am on this never-ending quest for happiness. We all are on the same pursuit on some level looking for the quickest way to feel good. My hunt leads me to drugs too often. Stupid I know, but at one point that was my quickest way to heaven. But, now, at times it’s my quickest way to hell too.
This journal is a step I’m taking to help me come to terms with the past and move forward. Who knows, Maybe, I’ll help someone else out there in the process. I mean I could use the karma these days. I warn you, I have my good and bad days. Someday, this journal won’t be a pretty thing to read. However, I will tell my anonymous truth.
Here is my start. I have wrote these recovery lists many times and I have still used. I can’t even promise to be totally clean, yet. I’m just going to leave my opiate love/hate relationship alone. I’m going to try a stepping process, because I know me. I have tried to just quit before and I never do.
This time, I want to try something different. Later, I will go into NA/AA process that I have tried. It never works for me, at least not alone. I have a million reasons why and they all lead back to me. Recovery, sometimes, has to be as selfish as the addiction itself. So, here is my selfish attempt.
1) Routine. The more I have one, the better I am at not using.
2) Gym. Helps myself esteem and with other issues I’m aware of.
3) Work. Two jobs to help pay off my fines. Try hard to keep them and fix things.
4) Writing my feelings. I hate feelings. But, keeping them in never works either.
5) Honesty- because I never really have been. Hence, this journal.
6) Meetings when it’s really hard to breathe without using.
7) NO DRUGS.
Let’s try this again. Piece out.